We’ve all heard of the saying we are the average of the five people we spend most time with. Therefore we all know it’s important to surround ourselves with people we want to be like, as we become like them, and positive and happy people, because their energy is contagious.
Recent research by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler has found that the influence of our social network is far wider than the five people we spend most time with and in addition that influence extends beyond our happiness.
It turns out the influence of our social network also has a strong impact on our weight.
Weight gain is also contagious!
Their research found that if a friend puts on weight, you are 45 percent more likely than chance to gain weight over the next two to four years. If a friend of a friend puts on weight, the chance of you gaining weight increases by about 20 percent — even if you don’t know that friend of a friend! And it even has an effect one more person out in your social network: even if a friend of a friend of a friend gains weight, you still have a 10 percent chance to gain weight too.
Christakis and Fowler carried out their research over three decades and they explored various hypotheses to explain this effect. They concluded that the most likely, it was due to the effect of 'social norms': we adjust what we find acceptable depending on what we are surrounded by.
That is, we adapt our beliefs and behaviours to those around us. If others are eating more, we decide that it’s okay to eat more, and the more people in our circle and the more often we see those people the more often we eat more!
And likewise for the types of foods we choose to eat: if our social circle only eats vegetables and healthy options, we will eat those foods when we are with them and start to make those choices when we are on our own. If our social circle eats mostly take-outs, fast food or ready meals, we are more likely to adopt those same behaviours.
The body shapes of our friends become our norm too. If we are only exposed to fit, healthy and slim people, then that becomes what we see as acceptable and ‘normal’.
And this research resonated for me so much as I know how my eating habits are impacted by those of my partner. And when I consider the added effect of 'people-pleasing' and how that affects our eating choices, I am not surprised at these statistics. And it so explains why it's so difficult to stick to a 'diet' that you feel you 'should' be on rather than a diet you have chosen that is closely tied with your values, beliefs, purpose and identity and is therefore your lifestyle.
Short of ditching your friends though, what can you do?
- Observe your bias by studying the weight and eating behaviours of your friendship groups, going several layers wide so that you can work out how influenced you are.
- Watch out for the norms and how you respond to them - What do you excuse? What do you find harder to do when with them?
- Make conscious and mindful choices about foods and eating when you are with friends. Create yourself a plan for when you're socialising with them and decide ahead of time what you will eat.
- Learn to be assertive in your communication, to say ‘no’.
- Notice which friends have the positive and empowering beliefs and behaviours about food that you would like, and model yourself on them and decide to spend more time with them.
- Explain this research to your friends who eat in ways that do not support your body dream. Perhaps they too are affected and they will understand your concern and may wish to change too.
- Reduce contact with those friends who do not support you and are not willing to eat differently when with you to help you eat how you aspire to.
- Know that if you change your behaviours, your friends are likely to be uncomfortable with that and they may even encourage you to continue to be like them.
- Create a new friendship group of people with goals like yours so you can have similar beliefs and values and norms.
- Make sure you have a clear goal of what you want in life and how you are going to achieve it and how your eating choices impact on your goal.
Your friends are your future. If you want to lose weight, be deliberate about those friends with whom you choose to spend the most time.
You’re the average of all the people around you, so choose wisely.
If you would like help to create that goal that will motivate and inspire you or if you would like support to change those people-pleasing behaviours,
contact me
and we can explore how I can help.